Saturday, May 8, 2010

They're coming to take me away! .... wait, I'll pack my bags!

That's it! The kids think I've  lost it.... they've had their suspicions for a while but apparently now  it's "official" ...

It started the other night, well it actually started years ago but I can only remember the details from that night, albeit vaguely......

I could have predicted it, in fact I did...I'm good that way, call it intuition, maybe it's a sixth sense, a type of psychosis...wait, no, that's not what I meant...

We went in to my mother's for dinner.  No, we didn't just simply go for dinner, we in fact dined! A selection of cheeses and crackers and a glass of wine (or 2 or 3, but that's irrelevant this time), followed by pork roast with gravy, salad and cabbage.  She even made mashed potatoes, "The real one's.  Not out of the box. On a weeknight!" my children so exclaimed with giddy confusion.   If freeze dried is good enough for the astronauts it should be good enough for them, that's all I'm sayin!  It's always a holiday, an event when we go to grandmas.  Gotta love her!  However, there sets the bar that I will never reach.  Anyway, we all went, DDA, SOS, Prince Charming and myself, thereby leaving the animals alone, sans entertainment,  god forbid!  She doesn't live far, so it wasn't a horribly long time, but it was, evidently, long enough!
I don't know when things changed, maybe it was when we added the upstairs and his legs were too short for him to climb, thus preventing him from getting there,  or it may just be his form of  payback for taking in the three cats, but Prescott, our Pomeranian, has become very clingy/needy, the likes of an infant. Hold me, pet me, feed me, wipe my butt (yes, really! have you ever seen a Pomeranian? very furry, enough said.)   And, naturally, being the compassionate, loving soul that I am,  it is only I who can appease him.  I know, you're thinking,  Aww, how cute? NO! NOT CUTE! ANNOYING!

The girls, Mercedes, Porsche and Tiffany, were perfectly content.  Each was perched upon her custom upholstered chair of choice, exhausted from what I'm surmising from the disarray of the area rugs and throw pillows, was a deranged,  chaotic marathon throughout the house while we were out, ready for slumber. 

Background Info:  Between the medication that I am on and the fast approaching naturally age-induced hormonal changes, I am experiencing hot flashes.   I mean like internal-volcanic-eruptions-followed-by-meteor-shower-type flashes.  If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing one, they can come on in an instant, causing extreme facial redness, intense palm sweating and severe mood swings, kind of like when your husband pisses you off.   And, you remember, SOS and his difficulty getting up in the morning.  Add to that comatose state,  a less than favorable room temperature, and you have a better chance of raising the dead.  He can't get up if it's cold!   So, I suffer, silently.   But I deal, and begrudgingly turn up the heat to accommodate him and operate the strategically placed bedside table top fan throughout the night, as needed.    Unbeknownst to me, however, DDA, while nowhere near the age of "changes",  runs hot-blooded, like most women and, as such, is concerned only with her own comfort and, with no regard to the rest of the family,  in the middle of the night turns on the air conditioning!

Got it?  SOS needs warmth, so I raise the heat; I, however, am flashing and therefore am required to utilize a table top fan; DDA, oblivious to the other inhabitants of the house, struts over to the thermostat, flips on the AC and proceeds to bundle herself in blankets......Where is Prince Charming?  snoring away in LaLa-land without even a clue!

Enter Prescott.......    Remember now, he was without amusement for a few hours, thereby allowing him to hit the hay, catch some Zs, refuel!

Barking and whimpering commence.....

Between the forever fluctuating temperatures, the inhuman, indecent gurgling noises coming from my beloved, and the constant sniveling from Prescott, I drowsily surrender, grab my quilt and pillow and proceed downstairs where I will abdicate to Prescott, by joining him on the 4' span of chair and ottoman for the rest of the evening....did I mention I am 5'7"??
Because I am forced to abandon my fan upstairs, I have no other option but to turn on the main level AC to extinguish my hormonal inferno .... well, apparently, sometime during the couple of hours I  nested there, it seems, my flashes must have passed and I got chilled because when my family came down to the living room the next morning, the AC was still blasting, but apparently I had also utilized the fireplace which was ferociously burning and my three cats, the dog and I, appropriately dressed in my animal print mumu, were all huddled together on that 4' make shift bed snugly under my quilt! (and by snuggly I mean twisted like a pretzel with asses to elbows) (do animals have elbows?)

 I can understand my family's  intense shock and extreme concern resulting from such a site.  So, I have decided, if they really feel it necessary to send me away, seek professional help, institutionalize me, I will not put up a fight....

If they believe I need some quiet a room.......away from my family and animals........who am I to argue?   ♫♪   Ha, ha, hee, hee, ho, ho......♪
P.S.    whatever family member that was calling at 7:00 AM  to see if I got a good nights sleep:  @#$%^&*& !

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