Queen Momma's starring in her own reality show!

People have been asking me why I haven't blogged in a while... I've been asking myself the same question.  Has my brain turned to mush? Is my life that boring that I can't think of anything to write?  And, if it is, don't I even have the imagination to make something up?

Trust me, it's a big deal!

My children. Well, not children anymore.  My babies! Yes, always my babies.

My daughter.  Beautiful.  From the moment she was born. Truly.  Those pursed lips.  That thick dark hair.  Those brown, nigh black, hypnotizing eyes.  The olive skin.  One adorable dimple.  A more beautiful baby you never saw.  And. Today.  More beautiful than ever.

Mondays can bite me! and they usually do...

(Sung beautifully to the Tune "New York, New York" too bad you can't hear me)

Butts, Pimps and Wine and that's just one night!

We.  My girlfriends and I.   Are bad asses.... well not really, but we are bad! .... okay we're asses, but enough with the technicalities.

You wanna know the TRUTH?

(Sung to "oompa loompa from Willy Wonka")

Oooh Oooh That Smell, Can't You Smell that Smell?

While this blog is PG rated I give you my express permission to insert expletive language where you see fit!  Hint:  Try every other word!!

My husband offered them $10,000 to keep me!

The Next Martha is My Guest Blogger *clapping hands*

Well, as you can imagine, after Blogher10 @TheNextMartha has her swagger on so, despite my wit and charm, it still took some "buttering" up to get her to guest blog for me.  Under normal circumstances she would have been begging to guest for me but, thanks to that ego-feeding, blogger-bonding, cult-like event held in NY, my hometown, a couple of weeks ago, @TheNextMartha believes that she can name her price.  So, as accommodating as I am, I did not allow her to stop at just 2 cakes, I insisted that she was worth at least 5 cakes ...chocolate...which I begrudgingly ate.  I suffered for you, my readers!

Hey, you!.... Wanna get into bed with me? ;)

I spent a lot of time just sitting today, eating bon bons doing, well, nothing frankly...

It has been torrentially pouring on and off for two days now and a combination of allergies and a cold has crippled me with the queen of all headaches (me being Queen Momma and all);

What's your fun ratio?

I have come to the realization that with age, the ratio of fun to exhaustion doubles yearly.

1 Hour of Fun = 2 hours Exhaustion  x Age

Some very good friends and I went to Blogher10, sorta! 
Thanks to The Next Martha! ;)

I have a confession to make.....

No need of a laxative here....

I don't know what direction this post is going to take.

I have no topic in mind.  No satirical story to embarrass my family.  No tale to tell.

Are you there God? It's Me, Queen Momma.....

Don't be jealous, but recently, I got to spend not one but two entire days at  the DMV!
I know, I know, awesome right?

And, this is one of the reasons they call me "Queen" ......

Hurry, hurry, emergency!
Don't get in the way of me
I'm in a hurry can't you see
What is your problem? Stupidity?

My Trash BUCKET LIST

Hey! Guess who's blogger of the week over at http://www.littleelfs.com/ <3 ... Me! That's who!! 

(**walking away now with a cocky swagger :) **)

Don't I know you!?

Surely, I'm not the only person who talks to them self  in the mirror?  Certainly, you have those moments when you are the only company you seek or desire.  Or, perhaps you are simply not as charming and captivating as I am and therefore have not fallen into the trap.

This Is Not What I Ordered!!!

No matter how hard I try, life can't be funny all the time .....

I want to scream, sometimes, loudly

I've got a new blog button!!

black cats, fat elves and rabbits feet

Sweet Merciful Crap HOLY SHIT!  I AM an Old Wife!? You know the infamous "Old Wives Tales".   No, I don't mean saggy, wrinkly, buttocks..... I'm referring to the urban legends, the so-called "proverbs", the "tales" that consist of  foolish, made up drivel.  When the hell did that happen? 

URINE for a big surprise!

I cried "happy" tears again today 
(I know, sappy, blubbering idiot, get a grip!)....

I've been awarded the Blogger Crush Award!

NOT Mommy of the Year (and proud to accept the award!)

It's 12:10 AM and I lay in bed, awake, with a tear in my eye. 

A Trip Down Memory Lane

From a blog entitled "A trip down memory lane" you're probably expecting some sort of journal, diary, memento of my life, starting as a child and progressing through the awkward tween years, the irritating teen years, the partying 20s, the awakening of the 30s and the enlightening of the 40s....and that would be one very exciting story, I can GU-AR-AN-TY you that!....the problem?  the "trip" and the "memory" parts ...

My Thanks for... and Presentation of.... The Versatile Blogger

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

This weeks Blog Hop is #FindingHope....

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.  ~Christopher Reeve

 When I was younger, "hope" meant "wish",  usually with a selfish twist, not being totally sure of the outcome... first star, fairy princess, coin-in-a-fountain types of wishes.... the kind you didn't need to work for, just sat back and waited for the magic .... I "hope" he asks me out, I "hope" I pass this test, I "hope" my parents don't find out I ----,   ....well I'm not going to spill it now!  HOPE was all about me, what I wanted for me...

I need some mo' Joe to get back my mojo

This morning I faked sleeping.  I know immature, selfish.  I couldn't help it and, if you've read any of my other posts, you would have to agree, I kind of earned it.  Besides, people fake a lot more serious things than that to make other people feel good....today I wanted to feel good. 

The Queen's Saga

There once was a man from Nantuck--- ,
no, wait, that's not it.....

A Letter to Myself (a/k/a "The BiPolar Memorandum")

Dear Princess Daughter (clearly I am not yet the  Queen Momma),

     I'm writing this letter to you, umm, me, Us?  from some time in the future...not so that you might change things because I/you/we are a very happy somewhat psychotic mother and trophy wife now and have become the person we are today because of the bumpy path we have traveled and the lucky decisions we have made.

Don't Pet the Sweaty Stuff

Today I am a guest blogger over at Motherhoot!

Please visit me there! :)

(here's the link!)

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

You are my babies still!

This is a poem/letter I wrote to both of my children years ago 
when they told me I "worry to much!"
They are almost 16 and 20 now and it still holds true

Re-Post for Father's Day

I wrote this poem about my father reminding my children not to let anything/one get the best of them!

Summer..you turn me upside down!

I can't believe it! 
It's Summer? 
Already?      
Bu-bu-but (ha! I said butt) (real mature)
That's impossible, it can't be, I  haven't even finished the Spring cleaning yet! ...

Can Chihuahas swim ??

My daughter, DDA, has a fish tank....a 100 gal, 500 lb.  fish tank...and therein lies my reason for this therapy session subject of blog.......

How many times did you do IT this week??

Today I hosted that long-awaited, highly anticipated, much-needed girls luncheon at my home and I have to say I was not disappointed (didn't think I would be)! 

If you had just ONE wish ......what would it be?

I have decided that the over-sized, lion-headed fountain that Prince Charming and I splurged on recently is a Wishing Fountain.   It's my fountain and I can do that!  Who's going to complain? Who wants to argue? 

I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake!

I feel the need to remind you that I am sleep deprived and as such should not and cannot be held responsible for, or unfairly judged by,  my irrational, heartless thoughts and actions, hereafter depicted.

Things that go BOOM in the night!

I stuffed cotton in my ears last night and sat in the closet...Really.  No joke.   No, I don't have an ear infection or swimmer's ear and I have not been diagnosed clinically insane (at least not yet)... I just needed an escape, a refuge, SILENCE!

Mangia!

Prince Charming is sick in bed today, Sunday, of Memorial Day weekend.  An apparent case of food poisoning from the 'samplings' at Costco yesterday and by "samplings" I mean "FEAST".

YIKES!

YIKES! ♪ ♫

Haven't blogged in a while...truth is, all that I am woman, hear me roar was bullshit baloney (B-O-L-O-G-N-A) .... I'm scared to death.

Love thumbbuddy!

I promise to never take my thumbs, well more specifically my right thumb, for granted again!

luck be a lady tonight!

I soo should have bet on the Preakness today.... the daring, wild soul that I am, I pretended to; yes, you heard me, I placed a make-believe bet, a middle-aged imaginary adventure.

.......and Johnny Depp would be my lover!

When I started, I thought this blogger thing was all about feeling good, making people laugh.  But, the more I read, the more I see reality isn't off limits.

They're coming to take me away! .... wait, I'll pack my bags!

That's it! The kids think I've  lost it.... they've had their suspicions for a while but apparently now  it's "official" ...

You'll get yours! (a/k/a Paybacks a b-tch)

Roses are red
Violets are blue

The Hat Pack

What would you do without your girlfriends, besides clean your house, save money and be much thinner (and sober).......

Last time I invite you to my party!

One of the esteemed blogger/twitters that I follow, Mommy Wants Vodka (which coincidentally is also one of my favorite chants, substitute Merlot for Vodka) unintentionally caused me severe distress yesterday.

Been there, done that!!

One of the trending topics on twitter today is I am old and boring (#iamoldandboring) ....

Ode to getting older (a/k/a WTF?)

(sung to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star)

Tinkle, tinkle, oh dear god!

It happens when I laugh too hard

It even happens when I fly

something about gravity and the sky

it also happens when I sneeze

someone pass the Depends PLEASE!

I have two teenagers..you don't want to mess with me!

With all the pent up anxiety and stress I'm understandably experiencing this week.....and believing that positive thinking and strong will play a very important part of getting through such situations, I got to thinking....

I slept with one eye open..

I slept with one eye open last night...I think it was that damn article someone posted yesterday about the cat who tried to kill it's human family.....no joke...see for yourself: My Cat Tried to Kill Me!! http://su.pr/30cyfc .  And, as I've mentioned before, I have 3 cats! 

If I was a man this would've been so much whinier!

I'm baaack! ....and, I must admit,  sooner than I expected too!  But I was thinking (for a change), this is the time when I need my friends and cyber-friends.  In fact I can already feel the warmth pouring out of my computer... Oh?  that's just the battery overheating?  Well, I know it's there...

One of My More Serious Moments....Just can't seem to avoid them :/

      !@#$%^& ... Got some unexpected news yesterday which has numbed my entire body, especially my funny bone, and just when I was on a roll (and NO there was no wine involved, this time!)...

Your guess is as good (or bad) as mine!

I started organizing our family photos the other day......trust me, it's not an easy task.....but I was getting worried because my recollection is not what it used to be and I fear that if I wait any longer, I'll be too confused, overwhelmed.

You can't buy happiness?!

Prince Charming (PC)  called in a panic this afternoon..."Holy Sh*t (sweet merciful crap), Sir Bossman is in town and wants to have dinner with the family!"

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ These are a few of my FAV-O-RITE thingsssssssssss........HicCup. :) ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Husbands with presents and children that listen

Remembering to lift the seat when they're pissing

(sorry but urinating doesn't rhyme)

Tiffany packages, diamonds and rings

These are a few of my favorite things

♪ ♫ cockadoodle- DON'T!

It's 4:22 am....I know that because, aside from the dimly glowing screen on my monitor as I vent type this, the only light for miles (well, at least in my house) is the obnoxiously, illuminated, digital clock with the blazing red numbers, like the eyes of some horrible monster  lurking in the night, that keeps reminding me:

♪ ♫ WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK ♪ ♫ (or better yet, have a glass of wine!)

So, my dishwasher broke, AGAIN....apparently,  unless I WASH the dishes before I put them in the dishWASHER, they don't get clean!!!!  UGH...

"Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen"

Random fact, I know, but it got me thinking......what if I was royalty?

I've got a secret!!!!!

Eureka! Hallelujah! Woot Woot! Hooray! Hot Diggety Dog (a little over the top?) Sorry, can't help it. I believe I have just found the answer to every woman's prayers! 

Of course I meant to do that! Now please..GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!

I guess some people might say I'm accident prone, clumsy, blundering, uncoordinated....

How I Spent My Day (a/k/a H♂l y S＃i♀! It's that time already?)

I woke up full of vim and vigor, or was it piss and vinegar?

My supersonic subconscious

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1rV7Lm/www.thechangeblog.com/subconscious-change-your-life/

OMG! Could you imagine the possibilities if this actually worked?