Friday, July 16, 2010

black cats, fat elves and rabbits feet

Sweet Merciful Crap HOLY SHIT!  I AM an Old Wife!? You know the infamous "Old Wives Tales".   No, I don't mean saggy, wrinkly, buttocks..... I'm referring to the urban legends, the so-called "proverbs", the "tales" that consist of  foolish, made up drivel.  When the hell did that happen? 

How did I come to this frightening realization?  Well aside from the fact that I am old-ish and a wife.... I heard myself saying something (in that all-knowing, wiser than thou voice), can't even remember exactly what it was because of the sudden brain-numbing trauma caused by this enlightenment (and the failing memory that comes along with the whole "old" and "wife" thing). It had something to do with new shoes on the bed and bad luck.... I actually stated that.  As a fact.  Out loud. To my son.

It got me thinking.  What other hogwash have I been feeding my unsuspecting children that carries no merit or proof ?  What unnecessary, untrue superstitions and exaggerations have I cast upon them?  What paranoia and lunacy have I literally wrapped up in a pretty package and handed to them marked "Mother Knows

It's one thing to tell them an overweight, bearded man, cheering "Ho, Ho, Ho" of all things, comes down their chimney bearing gifts only if they've been good, but then we expect them to obey when we teach them not to talk to strangers.  "But Mom, what if he has presents?" ..... 
 Then a mere three months after the visit by the aged, over-sized elf magically transported by eight tiny reindeer, I find myself carefully forming paw prints out of flour in a path leading to over-flowing baskets of candy which had, as far as my children were concerned, been delivered by a life-size, basket-wielding rabbit.....A HUGE RABBIT for crying out loud!

Let's not forget about the Tooth Fairy who quietly sneaks into your room, late at night, during slumber and carefully creepily  lifts your head to place a monetary treasure under the pillow because you have voluntarily sacrificed a part of yourself to them!;
little green leprechauns promising pots of gold at the end of the rainbow;
flying naked babies bearing bow & arrows;
and I don't even know where to begin with Halloween!.....  

Frankly, I'm surprised they survived the toddler years!

Then, as if that weren't bad enough, when it wasn't a "holiday" and my "partner's in crime" weren't scaring the bejeezus out of them I would take over.  
 "Step on a crack and break your mother's back."
I would chant over and over and over and over while they played outside, as a form of entertainment?!  Although I will admit now, I kind of enjoyed seeing them struggle not to, just to prove they loved me! And, we had a BRICK patio....    Hmmm, I might've just solved the middle of the night leg cramp mystery.... Hey, labor was no picnic either! Get over it!

Or the old, 
"It's bad luck to have a black cat cross your path"
And then go out and adopt not one, but TWO black cats! Don't look at me that way!

They weren't all negative, scary, dooming... We also had
"Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck" 
at which time I would hide pennys around the house for them to find; Several multi-colored rabbits foots, feet?, lucky coins and even horse shoes were often given as gifts.....okay, I'm lying about the horseshoes...but you get my drift...

Despite all the silly mind games and malarkey I fed them, good and evil,  my children, now teens, appear to have persevered and flourished! 

"Cross your fingers!".  
**throwing salt over my left shoulder!** 


  1. lmbo.. I have done so many of the same things.. don't leave out of a house the same way you came in the first timeyou are there..

  2. That step on a crack, break your mother's back doesnt work! I know... .. .... Ive TRIED =]

  3. I am forever yelling at them about opening umbrellas in the house!! Even though I TELL them it's because of the superstition, it's really cause I don't want them running around my frikkin house poking each other's eyes out with umbrellas...


  4. Don't feel bad, we also have 2 black cats!!

  5. I've started wishing I had all those old wives' tales me mom told us. Like "not cleaning the dishes right will give us all hepatitus!" Or "every time you lie you tighten that crown of thorns on Jesus' head!" Just the religious ones would have kept my kids in line!

    Excellent post!