Tuesday, August 10, 2010

No need of a laxative here....

I don't know what direction this post is going to take.

I have no topic in mind.  No satirical story to embarrass my family.  No tale to tell.

I've  just decided to sit and type off the top of my head.  
(Well the tips of  my fingers if we're getting technical but you know what I mean.)

I'm going to delve deep inside myself and share the inner workings of my mind with you.  
I may, perhaps, even  surprise myself.......

(sounds of crickets chirping)

Well, this is embarrassing..

Still nothing.... 

::squinting eyes, grunting, applying pressure to my abdomen::  
oh, wait, that's not the kind of concentration I need now.   
::puts newspaper down::  
I've been very conscientious of my fiber intake these days.

Let me try another approach.  

I'll will my brain to think.  
Like those times when I was younger and I tried that mental-telepathy thingy where you stare at a spoon to see if you have the power to bend it.....

Nope, not a thing... It didn't work then either.  
Shhhh, I need to focus.


Is it too late to change my mind?

Okay, If I'm being honest, my first response is to cry.

Not because I'm a sad.   
No, actually I'm really quite happy. 
But.  As life would have it.  When you let your mind free.  
When you really let go.   The serious stuff sneaks up.  
The things you don't really want to recollect on a daily basis.  
They are the first things to rear their ugly heads when you let your guard down.

I'm not really surprised....

As you may or may not know, 4 years ago I had cancer and 4 months ago was diagnosed with a recurrence.  The doctor's are optimistic, and I am determined but, naturally, it was a blow and, needless to say is the hairy, smelly, mean 500 lb gorilla in the room that is my life. 

It would be ridiculous to tell you that it isn't on my mind everyday because it is.  
From the moment I open my eyes. 
It is, unfortunately, a huge part of me. 
But I can tell you that I will not allow it to consume me; and it will not define me!  

I've surprised myself.  If you had told me 4 years ago that I would ever be happy again, let alone function at all, I would have laughed, or cried, but I wouldn't have believed you.

 I went through the anger, the pity, and the "why me?"  
I worried if I would ever laugh again; 
if I would see my children grow up, get married and have families of their own.  
I asked myself how many more Christmas', birthdays and anniversaries I would celebrate.
I saw for the first time, things that I'd seen thousands of times before:
flowers, clouds, faces and wondered if it would be the last.
I felt the guilt of causing my family such sorrow; and the fear of defeat.  
I went through the whole gambit of emotions and, truthfully, still do.

But I let myself.    
I laugh.  I cry.   I shop.  

And then I pull myself up by the bootstraps
(that's just a metaphor 'cause it's Summer now and it'd be kinda strange if I was actually wearing boots), 
remind myself of what I have and never want to lose
and vow that I will do whatever it takes to keep them.

And I'm taking the time to smell the roses, 
the coffee and all that other 
Sweet Merciful Crap!
                                                                    Boy, that'll teach me to think too much ....


  1. We had a cancer scare here a few years ago and yes... it wakes you up. You soon find out what is and isnt important. Its all about the roses. All about.

  2. Oopsie .. I hit comment before I said, good thoughts and prayers going out to you.

  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending you positive thoughts.

  4. I've heard that wine cures worry ...no wait, it just allows you to forget for a limited time. Then you wake up hungover. Forget that.


    Friends. :)