"Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen"

Random fact, I know, but it got me thinking......what if I was royalty?

... Oh, you thought I was? Honest mistake, after all "Queen Momma" is my name and I speak, well write, so eloquently!  True, I refer to my home as my Castle, etc... but you know I jest, that's all in fun, all for your benefit, to bring you some jovial relief, some no-think time!

If I was really royalty, I wouldn't need to get an alarm clock...I'd have the doves fly right in my window and sing me a melody (my favorite song of course) after which I would saunter to the toilette (naturally being royalty I wouldn't just walk.  No, I would saunter!) to find that my bath had already been drawn to exactly the perfect temperature with lavender bubbles, both in color and scent!  I would relax for a while (because it's exhausting getting out of bed and walking, I mean sauntering, to the bath) before the blue jays bearing my mauve satin robe in their beaks, scoop down instantly as I stand, allowing me to gracefully place my perfectly smooth arms into the sleeves.

 

 After having my clothier decide which designer jeans I would sport for the day  (I'd still wear jeans  because I LOVE them) and perfectly accessorizing the rest of the outfit, I would then  beckon for the governess to bring the children for an audience with me. (how cool would that be, an audience? ) after which I would dismiss (the dismissing is even cooler) them to their individual spoiled desires.   (Love you children!)

By then I would probably be getting a little hungry.  My stomach wouldn't growl though, it wouldn't dare, I'm royalty!  But, what to eat? maybe a little of this, a little of that, I'll just pick, nibble...can't decide... just set up a buffet of all my favorite things!

Then, of course, all my girlfriends would want to go shopping but I've got an appointment with the Beautician...you see, I have a Ball to attend tonight, the King (a/k/a Prince Charming) & I....oh and there will be dancing and costumes and champagne....in fact, back up....I'll have some champagne with my lunch please!

We'll dance and everyone will applaud because they all love us, naturally, we're royalty.

At some point, I've grown tired, and the horse drawn carriage will arrive carrying me safely home to my overstuffed, very expensive mattress......

Only to wake up tomorrow and start all over again.

But really, think about it, wiping your bottom with fine linen! How exquisite!