Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Queen Momma's starring in her own reality show!

People have been asking me why I haven't blogged in a while... I've been asking myself the same question.  Has my brain turned to mush? Is my life that boring that I can't think of anything to write?  And, if it is, don't I even have the imagination to make something up?

Admittedly, my brain is not what it used to be... factor in 2 teenagers, inevitable advancing age and my love of wine and it's understandable.  As far as boring?  I've got more of a social life now than in my youth, thanks to some very entertaining and adventurous girlfriends.  And for imagination? Have you read my blog? ;)

Funny thing is.  (Not funny haha; funny, odd) I started this blog so I'd have a place to vent, share, release...and now, when I need to most, I'm finding it tough (tough as in difficult; not tough, chewy, because that wouldn't really make sense.  Unless of course I was to print this out and ....)

Truth is....I've been going through a rough patch. I've been in a funk... f-u-N-k.. so if your "key-word" search brought you here by accident, this might be a little disappointing to you....

......A long, creepy, unwelcome, annoying funk.  And it has turned me into something I don't want to be...Someone I don't recognize.  A Queen Jekyll and Hyde.

I've joked about.  Hinted toward it.  Even declared myself a super-hero that is  mightier than it.

But.  Sometimes.  My reality gets the best of me.

I'm sad.

I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly one of the luckiest woman in the world.

I should be happy just to be alive, right?  But instead I want more!  I want to experience and do everything now, just in case.... I'm angry that with all that is out there to see and do and feel, Cancer has stolen from me that permission to desire, seek and attain.

I have no patience, no tolerance... Does that make me ungrateful? selfish?

Enter the guilt. 

The thing is.  I've had the wind knocked out of me.  Sometimes the reality just throws you for a loop.  And.  No matter how hard you try, it creeps up on you.  Hits you with a sucker punch.  Turns your laughter to tears.  And dares you to get up again!

But you do.   And days, weeks, months go by and you believe you have conquered it.  Beat it.   But then.  The room darkens.  The silence is deafening and the air becomes stagnant. You can frantically run around turning on all the lights.  Blare happy melodies.  Light a beautifully scented candle.  But.  Despite all your efforts to stop it.  As life would have it. Reality hits again.   

As life would have it.... that's the part you need to focus on!

I'm certain it's temporary.  I've been here before and it will pass.

It being October, Breast Cancer Awareness month; having just done the Walk; and today being my late brother's birthday has put the "real" in reality.  My reality.

I'd be naive to think that I could put it all out of my mind totally.  Just go on like before.  Boy, how I wish I could.  Unfortunately, that's not an option.  So, I let myself feel.  Breath deep so as to prevent my heart from breaking.  Try to fight back the tears that eventually win the battle.  Apologize, even though I don't have to and pick myself up.  Forge ahead. 

I'll be fine.  Of that I'm certain.   After all, I don't have to eat a jar of crickets, or lose 100 lbs in a week, or sing in front of Simon Cowell.  I just have to remind myself that I am only human.  And to feel, even if it hurts, is a part of life!

Bare with me.

I'll be talking about dog farts and zombies again before you know it!


  1. Awww, no need to talk about anything you don't want to. Hope you feel better soon.
    I do miss you, but I understand that writing sometimes makes us go down deeper than we sometimes want to. Personally I find it easier writing about husband farts and body odour than my actual feelings.

  2. Aww sweetie you take that time to just breathe. having lost my dad and granny to cancer and aunt I understand the pain of being angry even now. It is a vicious killer that robs us of too many people in our lives.. period

  3. Hey girl. You are the around the 14th or 15th blogger in that many days, I have seen " take a self imposed break". From their blog, their twitter or their facebook due to the FUNK. At around the 10th person I began wondering if it could be some seasonal issue. I want you to take your break, relax, cry, eat chocolate or whatever you need to do. Then know we will all be here when you get back.

  4. I took a break from blogging just a few weeks ago. When the feelings are strong, ya gotta let them subside before writing about them. I understand. As for you being sad, I am sending hugs your way! You are a trooper! Remind yourself of this. And when you're done feeling out the sadness, you will feel that much better!!
    MUCH love. xoxo

  5. Thanks to all of you... this WAS the right place to vent... you're all so sweet, love ya!

  6. Oooh. Sorry. That's a miserable place to be. I know that when I'm in a funk it's so hard for me to reach out to anyone. At all. I'm glad you could do this.

  7. AH! I TOTALLY get it. Although not as serious as your battle with cancer, we have had a "life situation" that has thrown me into a funk similar to what you described. Some days I think I can't climb out. And then I, too, suffer guilt.

    Thank you for writing this. So many of us can relate and it's ALWAYS good to know you're not alone! HUGS!

  8. It is ALWAYS good to know you are not alone... thank YOU for that! HUGS right backatcha!! ;)

  9. Thanks sweetie, I'm actually moving along and hopefully soon will be blogging again. In the meantime, you all keep me laughing! ;)

  10. My funk is possibly lifting a little.

    I try to embrace my funkitude when it descends upon me. It always leaves when it is damn good and ready.

  11. "funkitude", I like that!

    I've sprung back, but only in the form of 140 characters or less... keeps me in touch and laughing.. thanks for visiting! ;)

  12. you do realize we just conceived a fictional love child right now?