Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Queen Momma's starring in her own reality show!
Admittedly, my brain is not what it used to be... factor in 2 teenagers, inevitable advancing age and my love of wine and it's understandable. As far as boring? I've got more of a social life now than in my youth, thanks to some very entertaining and adventurous girlfriends. And for imagination? Have you read my blog? ;)
Funny thing is. (Not funny haha; funny, odd) I started this blog so I'd have a place to vent, share, release...and now, when I need to most, I'm finding it tough (tough as in difficult; not tough, chewy, because that wouldn't really make sense. Unless of course I was to print this out and ....)
Truth is....I've been going through a rough patch. I've been in a funk... f-u-N-k.. so if your "key-word" search brought you here by accident, this might be a little disappointing to you....
......A long, creepy, unwelcome, annoying funk. And it has turned me into something I don't want to be...Someone I don't recognize. A Queen Jekyll and Hyde.
I've joked about. Hinted toward it. Even declared myself a super-hero that is mightier than it.
But. Sometimes. My reality gets the best of me.
I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly one of the luckiest woman in the world.
I should be happy just to be alive, right? But instead I want more! I want to experience and do everything now, just in case.... I'm angry that with all that is out there to see and do and feel, Cancer has stolen from me that permission to desire, seek and attain.
I have no patience, no tolerance... Does that make me ungrateful? selfish?
Enter the guilt.
The thing is. I've had the wind knocked out of me. Sometimes the reality just throws you for a loop. And. No matter how hard you try, it creeps up on you. Hits you with a sucker punch. Turns your laughter to tears. And dares you to get up again!
But you do. And days, weeks, months go by and you believe you have conquered it. Beat it. But then. The room darkens. The silence is deafening and the air becomes stagnant. You can frantically run around turning on all the lights. Blare happy melodies. Light a beautifully scented candle. But. Despite all your efforts to stop it. As life would have it. Reality hits again.
As life would have it.... that's the part you need to focus on!
I'm certain it's temporary. I've been here before and it will pass.
It being October, Breast Cancer Awareness month; having just done the Walk; and today being my late brother's birthday has put the "real" in reality. My reality.
I'd be naive to think that I could put it all out of my mind totally. Just go on like before. Boy, how I wish I could. Unfortunately, that's not an option. So, I let myself feel. Breath deep so as to prevent my heart from breaking. Try to fight back the tears that eventually win the battle. Apologize, even though I don't have to and pick myself up. Forge ahead.
I'll be fine. Of that I'm certain. After all, I don't have to eat a jar of crickets, or lose 100 lbs in a week, or sing in front of Simon Cowell. I just have to remind myself that I am only human. And to feel, even if it hurts, is a part of life!
Bare with me.
I'll be talking about dog farts and zombies again before you know it!